Finding Time For YOU In A Time For THEM
Hello Internet!
2018 has been an exciting year for my friends and family, and thankfully, it's been filled with mostly wonderful events! This means that I attended fun occasions such as weddings, showers, BBQs, holiday parties, family parties, birthday parties, surprise birthday parties (deserving of a separate category due to the added secrecy) and a bunch of life celebrations in general. Now before closing out of this post faster than you can say "Oh boo hoo, life in your late twenties is about partying," I know how casually listing jolly jamborees can come off as sounding pretentious, but bear with me here. Especially because I just used the phrase "jolly jamborees." You can't just go on hating someone who writes that.
Since I planned on attending any and all of said happy happenings, (yes, I did it again, you are welcome), I realized pretty early on, aka late 2017, that I was already categorizing 2018 as a crazy year. This especially hit me hard on New Years Eve. If you or your friend had a previously tough twelve months or you are a perennially hard working millennial like myself, you often hear or declare something close to the following statement during a New Years Eve celebration: "You guys, this going to be MY year." Typically, everyone around this person nods knowingly of how difficult he/she/them has had it recently while simultaneously confirming that this person WILL have a wonderful year ahead because everyone's sympathetic nods are basically willing it into existence. Knowing that I had roughly 50 events written in pen on my shiny new 2018 calendar before the clock struck 12, I couldn't possibly verbalize or even mentally categorize this year as being my own. To be clear, not every year NEEDS to be “your year,” but by quietly realizing it would be a busy year, I was intentionally putting everyone else's wants before my own for a solid 365 days, a precedent that is not to be followed or repeated.
Internally, I went into it feeling panicked how I would honestly pull it all off. Externally, I carried around a giant planner filled with each event and whenever people asked me what my plans were for the week, they became accustomed to me listing what was happening each HOUR of each day that I was "free." Now, I'm fully aware that this sounds quite dramatic and I'm #blessed to have opulent occasions (Yup. Went there) to celebrate with loved ones, but as someone with anxiety, knowing my July 2017- July 2018 planner would be filled before I even purchased it was justtttttt a bit overwhelming to say the least.
Speaking of NYE with its legendary traditional resolutions, let's rewind time for a second. My best friend Bree and I create Labor Day goals each year. This is a special tradition that the two of us have been doing since we were burning the candle at both ends in grad school. Since we both are in the education world, our "New Year" truly feels like it begins in September instead of January. While resolutions are universally known for being frequently broken, Labor Day goals were something WE created, so they are automatically held to a different, higher standard. Bree and I both try to keep each other on track with our goals and later reassess how we did before creating new ones for the upcoming September. A few of my goals for September 2017 revolved around self care. Ironic and maybe a bit prophetic how the year that I chose to include "Don't over-schedule yourself" would be the exact year that I would completely lose control of my calendar. I knew I needed to take some time for myself every so often, but how?
I wouldn't come close to writing that I was successful with this. Even typing the words success and scheduling in the same sentence feels like some sort of mean meta joke at my own expense. No, I had many times where I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, not to mention supremely stressed out by occasions that were supposed to be exciting and fun. However, despite the craziness, there was a silver lining. I learned a lot and found some success with keeping an important and time honored Labor Day goal. It/I wasn't perfect, but what/who really is? A few little tactics did work this year, so here goes the title for today's post: how to find time for you in a time for them.
Tactic 1: Unsubscribe from all social media notificationsI found myself perusing Facebook and Instagram during my "unplug" moments naively thinking that just putting my phone on "Do Not Disturb" would have been enough of an action to fully unwind. Once I removed the social media notifications, I was free to click on the app when I felt like it, instead of constantly clicking to remove the tiny "1" notification floating above the app. This resulted in me actually forgetting to check Facebook which is one of my biggest accomplishments this year, period. I might not have been able to always unplug ala "I'm in a foreign country with no WiFi and you really can't reach me" style, but removing the notifications felt like I didn't have to communicate and socialize with people 24/7.
Tactic 2: MantrasI've written about this before, but finding a monthly mantra to both sum up how I've been feeling and give me the strength to overcome it has been a genuinely fun and introspective activity that I look forward to doing. I tend to peruse Pinterest when I have an idea for a themed quotation and when I find it, I save it, but do not post it. At the end of the month, I'll decide if it was fitting and worthwhile to describe how my month went and then BAM. Instagram suddenly gets to see a teeny part of my mental state and I can look back on what I've overcome that month.
Tactic 3: WAIT before answeringMy sister has frequently told me that I answer my texts and messages too quickly and that it's just not necessary to be that prompt. This initially frustrated me because why criticize my ability to communicate quickly and effectively with the people I love? But, I'll put it in words she will forever remember (and hold against me) here: She's right. I was so uncomfortably attached to my phone that I was giving myself anxiety if I WASN'T answering fast enough. I started to place my charger across the room (my phone battery is notoriously awful, so this is frequent) forcing me to leave my phone there. I’d only check it every so often instead of every minute when it was by my side. The idea is: If I'm busy, I'm busy. I can check my messages later.
Tactic 4: Learn to say no.Another thing my SOMETIMES wise younger sister would chastise me about is: you don't need to go to everything. I've been struggling with this one since high school. The fear of missing out is a thing, but my real fear was the fear of disappointment. I didn't want to disappoint my friends by not attending an event that meant something to them. It boils down to this: if you aren't going to be yourself during the event, why force yourself to go? At the risk of sounding cliche, your real friends should be okay with that. You aren't perfect and you can't be everywhere. (Sigh - My sister is going to remember that I gave her a shout-out calling her smart about this, basically forever. Siblings, am I right?)
Tactic 5: Own itI frequently felt guilty that I felt overwhelmed about being over scheduled (the most complex emo sentence ever written) and never verbalized it. I hit a breaking point where I confessed to a few people that I was anxious about balancing everything and was met with such wonderfully supportive responses. A few people were actually relieved that I expressed my frustration because they honestly didn't know HOW I functioning. Many of my friendships with those people who I confided in became stronger because we could empathize and be honest with each other and I suddenly felt less alone about feeling this way. Other people can feel guilty and overwhelmed about stuff?! Crazy! I had to remind myself: Open your mouth and STATE how you feel. Owning how I felt and verbalizing it became revolutionary and I wish I did this much earlier in the year.
It's great to be back.
Talk Soon,
KB
P.S. The picture for this post is from a perfect day with SupportiveHusband in my favorite place in the world, Montauk, where I finally followed my own advice and DID disconnect.
It's been a while since I've logged into wonderful Blogger.com and taken a seat to write and publish a blog post instead of drafting ideas on the fly using the Notes app on my iPhone. I've had quite an adventure during the first half of 2018, a numerous blog posts type of adventure, so stay tuned! But, first things first, part of the reason as to why I haven't posted is because SO. Much. Was. Happening. I was actually unsure as to what topic I should use to start blogging again. Yes, I know, this is an obviously lazy excuse because I could have honestly started anywhere about anything, but life got in the way and now here we are, in July. I want to first share with my readers some success within the chaos that was my January - June 2018.
2018 has been an exciting year for my friends and family, and thankfully, it's been filled with mostly wonderful events! This means that I attended fun occasions such as weddings, showers, BBQs, holiday parties, family parties, birthday parties, surprise birthday parties (deserving of a separate category due to the added secrecy) and a bunch of life celebrations in general. Now before closing out of this post faster than you can say "Oh boo hoo, life in your late twenties is about partying," I know how casually listing jolly jamborees can come off as sounding pretentious, but bear with me here. Especially because I just used the phrase "jolly jamborees." You can't just go on hating someone who writes that.
Since I planned on attending any and all of said happy happenings, (yes, I did it again, you are welcome), I realized pretty early on, aka late 2017, that I was already categorizing 2018 as a crazy year. This especially hit me hard on New Years Eve. If you or your friend had a previously tough twelve months or you are a perennially hard working millennial like myself, you often hear or declare something close to the following statement during a New Years Eve celebration: "You guys, this going to be MY year." Typically, everyone around this person nods knowingly of how difficult he/she/them has had it recently while simultaneously confirming that this person WILL have a wonderful year ahead because everyone's sympathetic nods are basically willing it into existence. Knowing that I had roughly 50 events written in pen on my shiny new 2018 calendar before the clock struck 12, I couldn't possibly verbalize or even mentally categorize this year as being my own. To be clear, not every year NEEDS to be “your year,” but by quietly realizing it would be a busy year, I was intentionally putting everyone else's wants before my own for a solid 365 days, a precedent that is not to be followed or repeated.
Internally, I went into it feeling panicked how I would honestly pull it all off. Externally, I carried around a giant planner filled with each event and whenever people asked me what my plans were for the week, they became accustomed to me listing what was happening each HOUR of each day that I was "free." Now, I'm fully aware that this sounds quite dramatic and I'm #blessed to have opulent occasions (Yup. Went there) to celebrate with loved ones, but as someone with anxiety, knowing my July 2017- July 2018 planner would be filled before I even purchased it was justtttttt a bit overwhelming to say the least.
Speaking of NYE with its legendary traditional resolutions, let's rewind time for a second. My best friend Bree and I create Labor Day goals each year. This is a special tradition that the two of us have been doing since we were burning the candle at both ends in grad school. Since we both are in the education world, our "New Year" truly feels like it begins in September instead of January. While resolutions are universally known for being frequently broken, Labor Day goals were something WE created, so they are automatically held to a different, higher standard. Bree and I both try to keep each other on track with our goals and later reassess how we did before creating new ones for the upcoming September. A few of my goals for September 2017 revolved around self care. Ironic and maybe a bit prophetic how the year that I chose to include "Don't over-schedule yourself" would be the exact year that I would completely lose control of my calendar. I knew I needed to take some time for myself every so often, but how?
I wouldn't come close to writing that I was successful with this. Even typing the words success and scheduling in the same sentence feels like some sort of mean meta joke at my own expense. No, I had many times where I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, not to mention supremely stressed out by occasions that were supposed to be exciting and fun. However, despite the craziness, there was a silver lining. I learned a lot and found some success with keeping an important and time honored Labor Day goal. It/I wasn't perfect, but what/who really is? A few little tactics did work this year, so here goes the title for today's post: how to find time for you in a time for them.
Tactic 1: Unsubscribe from all social media notificationsI found myself perusing Facebook and Instagram during my "unplug" moments naively thinking that just putting my phone on "Do Not Disturb" would have been enough of an action to fully unwind. Once I removed the social media notifications, I was free to click on the app when I felt like it, instead of constantly clicking to remove the tiny "1" notification floating above the app. This resulted in me actually forgetting to check Facebook which is one of my biggest accomplishments this year, period. I might not have been able to always unplug ala "I'm in a foreign country with no WiFi and you really can't reach me" style, but removing the notifications felt like I didn't have to communicate and socialize with people 24/7.
Tactic 2: MantrasI've written about this before, but finding a monthly mantra to both sum up how I've been feeling and give me the strength to overcome it has been a genuinely fun and introspective activity that I look forward to doing. I tend to peruse Pinterest when I have an idea for a themed quotation and when I find it, I save it, but do not post it. At the end of the month, I'll decide if it was fitting and worthwhile to describe how my month went and then BAM. Instagram suddenly gets to see a teeny part of my mental state and I can look back on what I've overcome that month.
Tactic 3: WAIT before answeringMy sister has frequently told me that I answer my texts and messages too quickly and that it's just not necessary to be that prompt. This initially frustrated me because why criticize my ability to communicate quickly and effectively with the people I love? But, I'll put it in words she will forever remember (and hold against me) here: She's right. I was so uncomfortably attached to my phone that I was giving myself anxiety if I WASN'T answering fast enough. I started to place my charger across the room (my phone battery is notoriously awful, so this is frequent) forcing me to leave my phone there. I’d only check it every so often instead of every minute when it was by my side. The idea is: If I'm busy, I'm busy. I can check my messages later.
Tactic 4: Learn to say no.Another thing my SOMETIMES wise younger sister would chastise me about is: you don't need to go to everything. I've been struggling with this one since high school. The fear of missing out is a thing, but my real fear was the fear of disappointment. I didn't want to disappoint my friends by not attending an event that meant something to them. It boils down to this: if you aren't going to be yourself during the event, why force yourself to go? At the risk of sounding cliche, your real friends should be okay with that. You aren't perfect and you can't be everywhere. (Sigh - My sister is going to remember that I gave her a shout-out calling her smart about this, basically forever. Siblings, am I right?)
Tactic 5: Own itI frequently felt guilty that I felt overwhelmed about being over scheduled (the most complex emo sentence ever written) and never verbalized it. I hit a breaking point where I confessed to a few people that I was anxious about balancing everything and was met with such wonderfully supportive responses. A few people were actually relieved that I expressed my frustration because they honestly didn't know HOW I functioning. Many of my friendships with those people who I confided in became stronger because we could empathize and be honest with each other and I suddenly felt less alone about feeling this way. Other people can feel guilty and overwhelmed about stuff?! Crazy! I had to remind myself: Open your mouth and STATE how you feel. Owning how I felt and verbalizing it became revolutionary and I wish I did this much earlier in the year.
So Internet readers, I made it through June. I ended the school year and actually relaxed through the first month of summer that usually plagues me with anxiety. I've been jotting down some of my more memorable moments and you out there in the interwebs will all be the recipients of reading about what I learned this year, what I endured and what I'm still trying to overcome.
It's great to be back.
Talk Soon,
KB
P.S. The picture for this post is from a perfect day with SupportiveHusband in my favorite place in the world, Montauk, where I finally followed my own advice and DID disconnect.
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